Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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