i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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