Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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