From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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