I'm so fucking centered right now
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Can you bring me the toilet please
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
