Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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