it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
