What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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