Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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