I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
