just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
