I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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