Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
