Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How does one acquire holy water?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
