my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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