i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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