my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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