Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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