there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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