We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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