ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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