ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
