A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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