What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
