i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
