I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
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