I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
