Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
