I haven't been this sober since birth.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
