I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
