It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
