too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
