yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
