you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
