i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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