When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
