I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
