Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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