My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
