so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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