Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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