My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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