Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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