we're blogging at a bar
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
