I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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