I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
