The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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