Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
