i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
