I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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