I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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