Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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