he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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